For parents: the last 90 days
Your child is 17 or 18. The board exam is three months away. Your child already knows what you think. This page covers the few things a parent can do that really help. It also covers common things that feel helpful but are not.
Your main job
Agree on the goal together, and keep it where everyone can see it. Remove the small problems that get in the way of study. And be the one person in the house who is not anxious. That is the job. Everything below is a part of it.
Research on motivation (self-determination theory, by Deci and Ryan, tested again and again for forty years) points to three needs. A student needs to feel in control of their own work. They need to see themselves getting better. And they need to feel supported, not watched. Everything a parent does either builds these three needs or weakens them. Most well-meant advice weakens them.
What to share
- The evidence, once. Send the pages on watching versus practice and coaching modules versus the board paper. Then stop. Do not quote them back later. Leave the rest to your child.
- The calendar. Board exam dates, school pre-board dates, and the number of weekends left. A count of weekends left, where everyone can see it, does more than any speech about time.
- Past papers, printed. Ten years of papers and marking schemes, printed and kept in a folder on the desk. Make the right thing the easy thing.
- Practical things, taken care of. Food at study time, a quiet room, a working printer. If you both agreed on it, keep the phone charger away from the desk.
What to talk about
- The goal, in their words. "What score are you aiming for, and what will it take?" Then listen. The plan has to be theirs. If it is not, it will not last through a bad week.
- What "done" means for each chapter. Agree on it once, write it down, and let them tick it off. Done is a checklist, not a feeling.
- What they need from you this week. Ask this every Sunday. Sometimes the answer is "nothing". That is a good answer.
- Sleep. This is the one place to be firm. Eight hours of sleep is not a luxury. The brain fixes the day's learning into memory during sleep, so a late night costs marks the next day. Agree on a lights-out time and stick to it.
- A bad test score, once the shock has passed. Do not ask "what happened?" Ask "what did it show you?" and "what do you want to do about it?" The score is information. It is not a judgement on your child.
What not to talk about, at least until March
- Hours. "How long did you study today?" measures the wrong thing, and it makes your child defensive. Ask what got done. Better still, let their study board on the site show it.
- Videos. Do not keep checking on them. A rule you both agreed on ("attempt first, watch only when stuck") is enough. If you enforce it yourself, a habit turns into a fight.
- Which coaching, which teacher, which book is better. These arguments waste evenings and change nothing before February. The past-paper score will answer the question without a word from you.
- The gap year, the competitive exam, the long-term plan. These are important, but not for now. Every minute spent on 2028 is a minute taken away from February. Fix a date for it: "We will talk about this on the first weekend of March."
- Comparisons. Cousins, classmates, your own school days. No comparison of this kind helps.
- The lecture you already gave. If you have said it once, they heard it. Saying it a second time does not help.
The Sunday review, 20 minutes
- Your child shows their study board: what was planned, what got done, and the scores.
- You ask two questions: "What got in your way?" and "What do you want from me this week?"
- They choose next week's work. You do not add to it.
- Notice one thing that got done, and say exactly what it was. "You did all the derivations in Chapter 6 from memory" is better than "well done".
If you notice you are giving advice nobody asked for, stop in the middle of the sentence. Your child will notice. It will earn you more trust than the advice would have.
When to step in
Supporting your child does not mean staying away completely. Step in, gently and in private, if you see:
- A full week with nothing written. Not a little work, but no work at all. Ask how they are before you ask about studies.
- Very little sleep, or skipped meals, for more than a few days.
- Keeping away from everyone, crying, or saying it is all pointless. Exam stress is real, and it can be treated. Talk to the school counsellor or a doctor early. Do not wait.
- They ask for help. Then take the lead for exactly as long as they want, and then hand it back to them.
What to say and what not to say
| Avoid | Say instead |
|---|---|
| "You are wasting time on videos." | "What did you get stuck on this week?" |
| "In my time we did the whole book." | "Which chapters feel strong now?" |
| "Only 80? What happened?" | "What did the 80 tell you?" |
| "You should be doing more." | "What would make this week easier?" |
| "If you do not score, your future..." | "Whatever the marks, we will work out the next step together." |
And for you
Your anxiety is real, and your child can pick it up from you. Share it with someone else, like your spouse or a friend, or go for a walk. The calmest person in the house sets the mood for everyone. In the last 90 days, being that calm person is the most useful thing a parent can do.